How To Spot Red Flags in Men's Dating Profiles

Tired of browsing through dating profiles chanting like Dorothy: Lions, tigers and bears, OH MY!

Disclaimer: This is written as an informative, yet entertaining piece. Please do not think for a second that any of this content is scientific, educational, given by a trained professional or written by a real comedian (hey, at least I try to be funny).

Been hitting a wall with online dating? Seems like all of your "matches" look like they're compiled from America's Most Wanted, or Sex Addicts Anonymous? Well, you're not alone. Personally, I'm tired of seeing men with sunglasses, and baseball caps using their cellphones to photograph themselves in the car or in their bathroom mirror. Ew. How about the flexed muscles with no shirt on? Ewww! How about the shirtless pics poolside in Vegas with other women? EWWWWW! Dudes, you need to brush up on your dating profile etiquette. I'd help you, but I get paid.

One day as I browsed my new matches, I was taken aback by how infantile and insipid most men were in their profiles. And, I love you guys, but shoot, do you have to give away right off the bat how immature, bitter or boring you are? Geez, I'm a creative writer. I get paid by guys like you to write a "better" version of themselves to appeal to women. If you can spare $10 per page, I'll write you an impressive description guaranteed to bring interest from the ladies.

But I digress.

Here's my interpretation of what women see when they read dating profiles from (not so eloquent) men:

1. "I'm just looking to see what's out there." I'm looking for a hookup. Not really serious (or mature enough) to be in a commitment right now. Or, I'm already in one, just want to see if someone is worth cheating on her for. Either way, I'm immature, emotionally unavailable, or not serious about dating. But at least I'm semi-honest about it.
2. "No games!" I'm so bitter! I had a woman cheat on me, or I cheated on her, but I know that games are played, and I'm on high alert if you pull that sh*t with me! Notice the exclamation points?! I've got issues!
3. (Sends a message of) "Hi!" Um, I'll have a side of fries with the insecurity.
4. "I get bored easily." You are easily replaceable, just like all the other things in my life I get bored with. NEXT!
5. "Looking for a fresh start." I should have seen a therapist about my unresolved childhood issues that damaged my prior relationship, but I like the 'sweep it under a rug' method of healing. Hope you don't mind getting the same bad behavior in our possible relationship.
6. "Looking for an easy-going girl." (First off, only females 18 and under are considered "girls"... ). I don't want to have to earn your love, so if you don't put out right away, I'm not going to waste my time on you.
7. "You can look your hole life." Enough said. (Note the spelling--Freudian slip).
8. "Looking 4 Fun." I'm too lazy for proper English, so I'll use text. I'm just playing, are you game?
9. "Willing to lie about how we met." I'm married. And a liar. Do you need more temptations to want to meet me?
10. "U never kno" Really, that was on a REAL profile.
11. "Free dinner guaranteed. True love???" I buy love. But I don't know what love is because I'm incapable of feeling it. Who wants to hook up for a free dinner?
12. "I'm just looking to meet some females." You 'females' are just an object. And I need to use you. So any of you in heat-- call me!
13. "If anyone asks, we met at church." I'm a liar, and a cheater. Please see #9.
14. "Only honest, truthful, faithful need apply." I got burned or burned someone from cheating. I'm scarred, or will never trust anyone because I'm untrustworthy. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother to mention this in my profile. Oops, see #2 and #5.
15. "Just looking for friends." With benefits. Otherwise, I'm a major loser who can't make friends on my own in real life.
16. "Awesome teacher for you." I'm into S and M, and I will make sure you suffer for being a bad girl.
17. "Would like to meet someone fun." I'm a narcissist who needs someone to make me happy, show me a good time, and entertain me. If you can't feed me 100% positive vibes, I'll reinstate my dating profile.
18. "Are there any real women out there?" I'm tired of dating these robots, and want to feel real flesh.
19. "Are there any good girls out there?" I'm looking to hook up with an underage female who isn't tainted by life. Please refer to #1, 8 and 18.
20. "I eat women like you for breakfast." What? See #16.
21. "Don't read my profile." I think reverse psychology is so cool. And yes, I'm stuck in the 80's.
22. "No drama queens!" I don't take responsibility for my actions. In fact, I become aloof in all my relationships. Then, when the drama queens lose their patience, I point my finger at them and say, 'see, you're the crazy one!'
23. "I'm not your daddy, so be independent." I'm not going to pull my weight in the relationship, ie: do dishes, laundry, deal with kids or cook for you, but I expect you to bring in a paycheck.
24. "I'm possibly the best catch on this dating site." I'm a narcissist, and you better be the best woman there is, too!
25. "I'll fill this out later." Around the same time I'll have time for you after I've 'had you'. I'm the pro of lazies, so come get me ladies!

I'm sure there's more stuff you've seen online that would make people's skin crawl, but this was material taken from just one night of browsing. Yes, ladies, the men are this dense.

Good luck in your dating pursuits, and don't be fooled by what men write. Do a google search before you meet them, and if he doesn't call before your first meeting, there's some red flags right there. Happy dating.